For about as long as I can remember there are two aspects that have been an enduring part of my life. Even though they make strange bed fellows, my fascination with women’s clothes and my love for Jesus Christ have been constant companions to me. I’ve shared some of my thoughts on  Christianity and Crossdressing already on this blog, though I feel as though I’ve yet to scratch the surface on such an expansive topic.

I’m blessed that readers of Crossdresser Heaven are from all walks of life, of different nationalities, races and creeds. In particular I know that many of you don’t ascribe to the Christian faith. You may be of another faith, or you may have been treated poorly in the past by those claiming the true knowledge of Christianity. I realize that at the mention of Jesus you may be tempted to leave and never come back. I understand how you feel.

I assure you that both Vicki and myself welcome contrary thoughts and opinions – even if we disagree it’s our sharing and conversation that will shape us into more informed, more compassionate people. In particular I welcome those of other faiths who would like to share their trails and breakthroughs. I know that will be a blessing to many, and encourage you to use the comment section liberally (if you’ll pardon the pun…). If you’re still not convinced then at least stay for the crossdressing tips and crossdresser success stories

Okay, I’m almost done with the long introduction.

It’s with great pleasure that I introduce you to the first official columnist on Crossdresser Heaven. A sincere and loving Christian lady who has offered to share her inspired (and sometimes verbose ) thoughts on Crossdressing and Christianity. She will be sharing her thoughts on a regular basis in her new column Vicki’s Inspirations for Crossdressing Christians. Look for them right here on Sunday mornings and I’m sure that her words will be a blessing to you.

Meet Vicki – A Christian Crossdresser and Our Newest Columnist

Vicki

When Vanessa asked me if I wanted to try and write a regular column for Crossdresser Heaven, I knew right away that I had to. For a couple of years now, I have felt that God has been calling me to serve Him in some way to the crossdresser community. Well, the call is much larger than that, to encompass not only CD’s but also any and all in the LGBTG world. I feel strongly that God may even be asking me to explore becoming a Pastor and then utilizing that to help serve those needs. But right now, I am doing a lot of discerning prayer, and exploring Scripture, current Christian thought and journals, and asking others to pray for me that the way might become clear. I am also maintaining a prayer journal, that may contain seeds for a future book, or maybe future sermons. Who knows, while the end is still a little bit off in the distance, I feel firmly that the path I am now on is the right one.

Out of those journals I had shared a meditation I had done, with Vanessa, and asked her to either post it for me, or help me with getting it on my own blog. She immediately offered me the chance to write this column. It seemed that God had opened another mile of the path and I wholeheartedly agreed to commit to this. GULP, as they say. But I know in my heart that there is a need for CD’s and our LG and B as well as TG brothers and sisters to hear that God not only loves us as we are, but wants us to use our unique talents and perspectives to help others in His world. So I begin this endeavor, not sure where it may end, but firm in the belief that God does have Her hand in this and that God’s Will be done.

So now a brief bio and it is hard to know what to leave in and what to leave out. I’ve been told that I may be a bit verbose and must adjust my style for the typical blog reader’s attention span, myself included in that company. I’ll try. I’ve been dressing since I was 13 and to say why would require more space than I have here. Hopefully in my columns more of my personal story and how I got here will emerge. I am now 53 and the divorced father of two wonderful young men, who are not aware of their father’s other side, or if they are, choose not to bring it up. I think if you ask my ex wife and myself we’d both say that the dressing was not the primary cause of our marital difficulties, but in my refusal to give it up and her genuine distaste for it, were symptoms of some deeper issues in the marriage that probably would have led us to some quietly bitter and unfulfilled years together in old age. At this point I would also say we both would agree, we are both better for the breakup. I am now with a woman that not only loves me for who I am, but encourages me, helps me with dressing, makeup, deportment and other feminine mysteries, and quite honestly without whose help, I would not be where I am today, starting this column, and excited for the possibilities of living out life as my complete self.

So how am I doing on space Vanessa? [Ed: I think our combined verbosity used up all the allotted space for this article two paragraphs ago ] OK, quickly, I have a Bachelor’s degree in History from the University of Washington and have done some post grad work, but that was years ago. I live in Seattle, though as of yet, Vanessa and I have not met face to face. I work full time in drab and devote whatever free time I have to dressing and exploring my Spiritual path and now writing about it. I am a lifetime Lutheran but am currently between church homes. I am excited to be beginning this and pray that comfort be given, that I make some new friends and acquaintances, and this. In other churches that I have been a member, I led the occasional Bible Study and assisted in a new member program by facilitating small group discussions around Scripture. Despite the fact that I was the nominal leader, it never failed to amaze me that I took so much more from others than I ever brought to the table. I hope it is the same here, I invite discussion, I invite questions and criticisms, and I invite us to share our joys, our sorrows, our hidden from all but God concerns, so that we may learn and grow, but mostly so that we can lift each other up in prayer. I have found that one of the greatest privileges of my life is to be able to pray for another child of God.

In Christ’s Name
Vicki

Today is Palm Sunday, for the Christian this is one of the more important days in the church calendar and in many churches is marked by attendees being given palm fronds and processing into the church singing Alleluia’s and waving the fronds back and forth. It marks the beginning of Holy Week, and while for many it is simply the Sunday before Easter, others know it as the beginning of a week long remembrance of the last days of Jesus’ life and maybe one of the most intense periods of his teachings and a total embodiment of His purpose for coming to earth. Palm Sunday marks the triumphant entry of Christ into Jerusalem, the center of the Jewish tradition and religion at the time. Jesus is greeted by exuberant crowds who lay palms in front of Him and shout Hosanna as he rides on a donkey into the city.

If we enter the scene as a participant, we may have our own reasons for singing praise to this itinerant preacher who is said to have performed miracles and taught the nearness of God’s kingdom. We too sing Hosanna, for many reasons and cheer the coming of the promised Messiah. He was viewed by all as the promised king who would restore Israel to her former glory, and reestablish the rule of God. Within the week though, the cheers have turned to jeers and the Savior is now seen not as the King of Kings, but as a rebel, an agitator, and a common criminal. Within the week, He will hang from a rough wooden cross, nails driven into His wrists and ankles, the wood splinters rubbing against His scourged back. He will have been beaten, spat upon, and condemned to death. All of this occurs because He fails to live up to the expectations of the religious leaders, and civil authorities of the time.

There is a picture we’ve all seen. It is of Christ in His agony on the cross, His arms outstretched and His head beginning to bow, and the caption reads, “I love you This Much.” Jesus knew ahead of time what He was going to go through and yet, once in Jerusalem He continued to turn the expectations of everyone on their head. He angered the keepers of the Levitical Laws by questioning those who upheld only what suited their needs and lined their pockets. It is this week that sees Jesus’ anger as He witnesses the way the money changers and profiteers have taken over the sacred Temple. It is her He overturns their tables and incites even more anger and raises in the minds of His opposition the plot to kill Him. If He won’t toe the line they say, We must get rid of Him. So they do, from the betrayal, and the abandonment, on the trumped up charges an innocent lamb is led to slaughter, and all on behalf of you and me.

The Lamb they hung to die, is the Lamb who came to preach to all, but especially to the outcast, to the sinner, even to the non Jew. No one was to be left out of God’s realm. Perhaps this is the underlying cause for what is to happen Thursday night and Friday morning. Play with a man’s livelihood and you are sure to cause some notice. But a whipping and being shown the door would have sufficed to satisfy the anger. Yet upset the assumptions of a man’s religious belief, call into question all the things that make you closer and the apple of God’s eye, and you have created a firestorm. This is Jesus’, big crime. Without the law, without the specialness of their category and class, if God loves us all equally, then where is my special place. What differentiates me from the rabble? Jesus must die.

Today we look back and often wonder where we would fit into the scheme. As a lesbian, a gay man, a transsexual, or even the guy who likes to put on his wife’s, or mother’s or the youth who puts on his sister’s clothes, we are often made to feel by both the civil and religious leaders that we are outside God’s acceptance and family. But we are not. The man who hung on a cross for our sins hung there for all of our sins. He spread His arms wide to show us how much His love encompasses and to embrace the entirety of God’s Creation.

In small ways, our mere existence challenges the established order and upsets the presumptions about proper relationship with God. But do not doubt for one moment, no matter what the Pharisees and Romans of our day tell us, we are part of the redemption. As part of that we are given an important role to play in God’s Kingdom, not the Kingdom some would wish for, but something new and unique. 2000 years later it seems, we still have not understood the meaning of Christ’s sacrifice, and that means in some ways, He still hangs there on that cross. But on one Sunday removed from the entry into Jerusalem, Jesus will prove the Truth of His ministry and the meaning of His death. On Easter we will remember the triumphant victory over sin and death. The light emanating from His face is big enough and strong enough to encompass us all. He Loves US, This Much.

Lord Jesus, Savior of us all, We stand cheering your entry into our hearts and lives. We remember the sacrifice you made for us and the lessons You taught about love and acceptance, no matter the imperfections others see in us and that we see in ourselves. You have freed us from hatred and exclusion. Today we ask that this week serve as a reminder of all you tried to teach and continue trying to teach, but mostly we offer grateful hearts for what You have done to perfect us for God. Help us to overcome the obstacles placed in our way by those who seek to please you by excluding us from your love. But also help us to love them as well. That by Your love reflected on us, we may help them to see Your Truth. You are the Lord of Lords and King of Kings. Hosanna in the Highest.

Amen

When I was a child, it was the custom on Easter morning in the church that I attended with my family to bring flowers, usually fresh cut from the garden to the church. There in the narthex area would be three wooden crosses, with chicken wire attached to the fronts. There we children would hand them off to one of the volunteers, usually one of the older ladies of the church, who would place the stem of the flower in the chicken wire attached to the wooden frame of the crosses. This was at a time in the early to mid sixties in a fairly large suburban congregation and it didn’t take long for the crosses to become full. Then at the beginning of each of the services the three crosses would be brought into the sanctuary and carried up to a place very near the lectern. It was site to behold as the blaze of color from those three crosses, and even the scents assaulted our senses. What had started as a relatively plain and ugly construct, had turned into one of beauty and even to my young eyes, a powerful testament to God’s work in Jesus Christ. Easter has always been a wonderful experience for me, one that announces simply, life.

“I am the resurrection and the life.”, Jesus announced to the soldiers guarding his cold, dark, and ugly tomb on that first, long ago Easter morn. We are told there was a bright blazing light and that the Roman soldiers who were guarding the tomb, once they overcame their fear, were anxious to share the amazing thing they had just seen. It doesn’t matter to know if they had understanding, what matters was that they had witnessed a transformative event. Mary comes to the tomb and is dismayed to find His body gone. But an angel standing near assures Mary that Jesus no longer lays in this grave, “He is not here, He lives.” Later in the evening of that day He appears on the road and walks with His disciples, at first as a stranger to them, but ultimately revealing Himself in His glory. Slowly, surely and inexorably, the light and beauty overcome the cross and the grave and we are presented with fullness of Christ Risen. Alleluia.

So what is the connection from this to those crosses of my childhood church and for goodness sake, what is the hope for a simple confused cross dresser? Well, those crosses, as far as I know, are still being used at the church of my childhood. You know how it is with tradition and ritual. When I was a young adult and first returned to that church with my first wife and young family, Easter was still a special time. We had been invited to bring our flowers on Easter morning to continue the tradition. As an adult I could see that attendance had fallen significantly from the peak of the sixties. How in the world were we going to fill those three crosses. Surely we would be presented with a half flower and half chicken wire concoction. I suppose though, that this had been the opportunity that many of the proud older ladies had been waiting for, to display all the beauty of their early spring gardens and even if need be, go buy a flower or two dozen. For on Easter morning, carried at the front off the procession into the sanctuary were the three crosses, overflowing with color, and beauty, and the scent of victory. The ugliness would not prevail.

Christ is Risen! He is Risen Indeed. We can’t compartmentalize the Easter miracle apart from the ugliness of Good Friday, nor can we separate either of those from the life before. All of are one piece and point back to one another to weave the intricate details of exactly what it is that God has done. The life and teachings merely a guide for how we are to live with one another. The crucifixion and death, the descent into hell, the ultimate act of sacrifice intended to wrench us from the bondage of the old and present us to God unstained and pure; the Resurrection the final Word, the exclamation point to the story. “See, it is all true. I have overcome death and sin, and through me you shall have life.”

This is the exclamation point that even today should provide us with both the end of the story and the new beginning. It does end all discussion about my worthiness, your worthiness, their worthiness before God. Whether one chooses to believe that cross dressing, or homosexuality, or eating steak on Friday is a sin, (I personally do not) let us accept for the moment they are; but each is only one of a myriad of sins I am guilty of and incapable of escaping from. Read that again, I am incapable of escaping from, my sin. So if my sinful nature causes me to dress in feminine garments, or desire relationship with a person of the same sex, or even to eat meat on Friday, Jesus still comes in a brilliant flash of light at the door to the tomb and tells me He has taken care of it and washed me clean. He says, My Living Body is the proof, I have defeated death and by the way Sin too. So that , it was nothing done on my part, it is all God’s doing. God is in effect telling me Here is Life, it is yours with only one condition. Believe that I have done it!

Ultimately I am not so unlike the crosses of my childhood Easter. Empty, ugly, sin ridden and undeserving of God’s mercy. But God is at work, and right from the start places flowers on my empty shell. He doesn’t change the basic structure of who I am, doesn’t say you must be something else before I begin My work, He simply and lovingly places flower after flower upon me, allowing others in my life to do the same and inviting me to look at other crosses and add flowers of my own to theirs. I am far from completely covered, maybe half of one of the crossbars of the cross, and even there chicken wire and wood show through. If I look to either side of me I see other crosses, I see my grandparent’s and father’s crosses complete, shining radiantly in their Father’s sanctuary each unique in their beauty and array; I also see other’s like mine, in various stages of completion, some surprising by their being there, and those same crosses a little surprised to see mine. But the bedecking goes on. Of course to God the work is done, He has seen it to it’s end and every cross stands in His church, laden with beauty and a riotous variety of color and sensual excitement. The empty is filled, the core of each transformed. What we share alike, our sinfulness and ugliness, is now covered over and has become praise to our Lord and Our Saviour.

“Lord God, Christ is Risen, Alleluia! We join all the world in shouting this from housetops and mountains. Let the victory dance begin. You have seen fit to redeem your naughty children, to look past the warts on our bodies and our souls and claim for us victory over sin and death. We give you thanks and offer those same bodies and souls, as they are, for your work in the world. Bless our work to your good end.

In Jesus Name

(Addendum: Just so we are clear, I do not view cross dressing, homosexuality in nature, or even eating meat on Fridays to be sinful in and of themselves. Context, context, context. A reading of ALL Scripture with an openness to the Holy Spirit and finally and most importantly the lens of the cross. Have a Happy and Joyous Easter and may the words Christ is Risen be on your lips daily.)

Vicki

[Ed: They say a fine wine gets better with age, and I think that is true of this week’s Inspiration. This week’s Inspiration from Vicki was pre-empted by the lovely Christian messages for Palm and Easter Sunday, and then for another week by my crossdressing busy-ness. So without further ado, I present this week’s Inspiration for Crossdressing Christians. Take it away Vicki!]

“In the beginning God created.” From the first words of the Bible, we find the essence of accepting ourselves as cross-dressers, or gay persons, or two sexed persons, or just plain heterosexual persons with insecurities and doubts of their own. What does that mean, one may ask. Doesn’t it say later that a man should not dress as a woman, or that men’s lying with men is an abomination, or don’t work on the Sabbath, etc. Yes the Bible does say that, it in fact says many things that may often contradict other things in the Bible. Let’s worry about that later and quite honestly let’s just say this, and I believe that it is just this simple, In Christ, those concerns and restrictions are laid bare to make every human being take note and examine themselves, and then whisked away as one would a layer of dust on a coffee table on cleaning day.

What we as human beings need to do is look at the statement that God created, and realize, that He created everything and everybody. And in Light of Christ’s sacrifice we need to get back to that essential point and stop worrying about the rest of the laws and restrictions and look at those from the sense of the cultural implications and limited knowledge of the men of the day, and in light of the totality of the Biblical record, not cherry picked passages that support our own narrow sense of what it is that God intends.

In this first meditation my goal is to lay out three basic ideas that are presented to us in the Bible record. The caution here is to understand both for myself as author of these thoughts and you as readers and digesters, that oversimplification can be a dangerous path, but my hope is that in oversimplifying here, I can demonstrate the true nature of proper Scriptural reading, study, and meditation, and in that find hope and promise for the cross dresser, the Transgendered person, and others who feel condemned by preachers and teachers today, who use the Bible to advance an agenda that is not of God’s devising or desire. Simply put, it is time for God’s people, and God’s creation to take back for them God’s fulfilled promise to us all.

Today then, I will focus on God’s creative power, the concept of sin, and Christ, and to do it in less than 1500 words. Good Luck. But to involve any of these without the other is, at ones’ own peril, to live outside of God’s plan and contrary to God’s will. Again the caution is to not oversimplify and in coming weeks and months as the Spirit moves, we will possibly explore these and other concepts in more depth, but one must begin somewhere and for now this is it.

God’s Good Creation

In the beginning God created and God saw this was good. I think that this alone offers hope to anyone who lives perhaps on the edges or outside of the societal norm. As we will see later in the life of Christ and in the way He engaged the outsider, there is further validation, but for now, it is enough to begin with the idea that we were created by God. Each and every one of us, and that God has an interest in who we are, but more than that, He has purpose for the very things about us that make us unique and yes even different. If we can come to an understanding that God made us with a desire to dress differently, (hard to imagine a God interested in the fashion norms of any day and age), but that our very essence drives some of us to see ourselves as more than a male or a female.

It is hard to get away from that other creation image of Eve being made from the rib of Adam. What else could cross-dressing be then, but an attempt to recover a vital part of ourselves? Now taken literally this is a non scientific take on the evolution of the species, but there is nevertheless a nod to the idea that man and woman spring from the same source and how hard can it be to go to the next step and assume that the natural state of things is to be cognizant of this dual nature and embrace it, rather than suppress it at our own risk and perhaps contrary to the will of God.

But ultimately whether one takes the Genesis story literally or as an allegory to explain the unexplainable, we can all agree that God’s hand is at work in creation and that nothing He makes is bad. God saw that it was good. But our sinful nature can take what is good and make it bad, or contrary to God’s good purpose. We do this by our sins and by sins of others.

All Sin and Fall Short

The second piece of this large puzzle is that of sin and sin came into the world very early on. We read the story of sin and quite appropriately equate sin with temptation. In other words sin is seen by us as giving in to an impulse to do something that is outside of what is acceptable in God’s eyes. Yet what we have already seen is that what God has created is good, all of what God has created is good. So how could living in tune with the way God created us be sinful?

Read the words, and see what is happening here. (Insert Genesis 3) The serpent tempts Eve with one thing and one thing only, that to eat of the fruit of the tree is to become like God, and to know good and evil. There is so much that can be taken from that one passage alone, for now we’ll settle on this view; that original sin is at core, the desire to not only be like God, but to be God.

That is not what happens of course, the consequence is that we are stripped naked and like God we see ourselves for who we are. There may be a part of us that is not so pretty and that cause us consternation. But it is better for us if we decide not to see our own nakedness, it is better if one is worse than I am. If I point out the problem with that person, perhaps God will not see my sin.

It happens immediately, Adam blames Eve, who it must be pointed out by Adam was given to him by God. See which way the finger is pointing? And Eve is quick to blame the serpent, or the appealing nature of the tree that bears the fruit. It was the serpent’s fault, or the beauty of the tree, but it wasn’t me. And God you made those things so it must be your fault.

God did make all those things and He said to us, all of Eden is yours if you can resist the temptation to be me. Even today, it is not hard to find those who point fingers at others, at those even whom God made, so that the finger pointer will not suffer the consequences of their own sinful nature. While today we are less hesitant to blame God unless it is to invoke His wrath as the cause for trouble in the world. In a backhanded way, it is God who sent Aid’s to punish sinful gay men. Or so the moral minority would have us believe.

Even worse, we claim to know what God wants based on some outdated and very suspect words in the Bible, cherry picked out of the whole to point fingers away from us. We’ll use anything in God’s creation to place the blame or the gaze elsewhere.

God Restores the Good

God has seen all of this. After the fall in Eden, He gave His people some time to try and figure this out. He helped set up rules made by men to restore order to His world. But after all of that, after the wanderings, the homecoming, the victories of Israel’s armies and then bitter defeat, after kings both wise and foolish, it remained that man alone would not be able to do this. God, who loves His creation so completely and desires nothing more than that we love ourselves as much as He does took the ultimate step to reconcile His creation to Himself.

For God so loved the world, that He gave his beloved son Jesus Christ, so that whoever believed in Him would not perish but have eternal life. God acted to save us from ourselves. Still some cannot give up the desire to be God and judge for God what is right and what is wrong. I find it amazing on some Sunday mornings, when absent from my own church I, out of morbid curiosity tune in to one of the televangelists only to find them reading some passage from the Old Testament, read with the intent to condemn and not to save. The lesson always is, turn from the sin I’m telling you about here and then you will be pure in God’s eyes; again, this is something you must do before God will let you in.

Jesus, when He is mentioned is usually portrayed as some distant figure sitting on His throne in heaven, tallying up with the television crew, who has sent in their latest love gift to build a satellite dish somewhere in the world and proclaiming them now fit to rise to heaven on the last day; and who doesn’t. Or even worse as a person sitting on His throne disengaged from His creation, content to listen to praise songs and forgetful of His own command to love and feed His sheep.

But this is not God and this is not Christ. If you read Scripture with the intent to read it for the entire message it is hard to just simplify things. But it is that simple. Jesus lived and died to save us all from the desire to be God. His teachings are simple as well, love God, with everything that is in your being, and love your neighbor as yourself. As yourself. It begins with loving God; He is your creator and he asks nothing more of us than we do that, that we put Him first in our lives. But reverse the passage that follows for just a minute. Start with loving yourself, for loving your neighbor should proceed from that naturally if we do love God and ourselves.

God doesn’t want us to feel apart from Him. It is not His intent that who we are and who we were made to be should be a thing that separates us from God. If anything it should make us love Him more for creating something so unique, wonderful, and different. Turn the finger inward, but not in blame, but to find that which God has made. Love yourself, you are a unique creation of His and you have an important part to play in the rest of His Creation.

Lord God, You have made me and all that I am. Thank you for letting me see the beauty that is my whole and for not letting others decide for me how I should be. Because of your gifts to me, the way I am and the sacrifice of your son, I give myself back to you so that what you have made me for can be started and seen to its end. I know that I am a sinful creature as well, but that you have chosen to set that aside forever, again so that I may joyfully do that which you made me for. Allow my life to be a light to others. As in the words from my baptism: “Let your light so shine before others, that they see your good works and glorify the Father who is in Heaven” Most importantly God, let others who come to these meditations find firstly Your unconditional love, that they see their themselves as uniquely created by You, and that they accept without reservation or doubt, your love for them. In Jesus Name

Amen

John 15 1, 7-8: (Jesus said): I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinegrower.7. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask for whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit and become my disciples.”

I spent this last Sunday, Mother’s Day, accompanying my mom to her home church, Trinity Lutheran north of Seattle. Trinity is a large suburban church with an active and growing congregation. I’ve been an absentee worshiper from my own church home of late and it was nice to go back and hear the traditional Lutheran liturgy and music of old, preached and sung by a large and enthusiastic congregation. Plus, sons, (and I’m assuming most of us are men by birth, and not excluding any of our F to M readers,)  and daughters, if there is one thing that will make your mother happy, even more than a phone call, a vase of flowers, or a dinner on Mother’s Day, go with her to her church. You get to be shown off to all her friends and it will make her day. And if you missed Mother’s Day, then just go on any Sunday of the year; for sitting next to her in church will do more for her than any tangible gift you might think to give her. If you are fortunate to have both a mother and a church that is accepting of your lifestyle choice, then by all means, go as your true self. I myself am still working on both of those parts of my life, but I live in hope that someday her other “daughter” will be able to attend with her as well.

Beyond the event itself and the strength and renewal for my own journey, there were some wonderful words in the chosen lessons of the day. Starting with the reading from Acts, in which Phillip is instructed by the angel to minister to the Ethiopian eunuch. I made the connection, and wondered where the eunuch might fit in the judgment of those who oppose same sex marriage on the grounds that it is not part of God’s plan. Or who would look askance at a cross-dresser and consider she (or he for our FTM audience) as one who is living in opposition to the way God made us, and heaven help those who would undo the physical manifestation we were given, even when it is so clear that our soul resides squarely in the mental framework of a different sexual proclivity. I must also caution at this point, that nothing in the Scriptures should necessarily be read with the idea that this validates who I am. That occurs of course, if one reads with an open mind and the Spirit’s guidance, but ultimately, the focus has to be on what God has done. I may have more to say on the lessons I took from the story of the eunuch at a later date, but what struck me most yesterday was the hunger this person felt for the word of God, and how God through Phillip was able to satisfy that hunger. The eunuch, filled at once with the Spirit asked Phillip to baptize him on the spot. The story of this encounter ends with the eunuch , “…on his way rejoicing.” (Acts 8 v 39) There was no requirement from Phillip, and thus we must believe, from God, that the eunuch had to be made whole, to declare himself man or woman, but simply that he hungered for God’s word, and left filled.

This is a huge interpretation and admittedly personal reading of this passage I will admit; the real point in all Scriptural reading is to see God’s action, not our own. Yet two points I feel are important in this reading, and I believe serve as a reminder to us all that Christ came not to save just a few, but to save the world. That is the primary lesson reinforced once again in this story from Acts. Secondarily but so closely related to Christ’s redeeming sacrifice is that the same rules apply. God can act through any vessel He chooses, it is not up to one’s readiness or perfection. All it takes is a hungry heart and a willingness to hear.

Vicki’s Inspiration that mentioned the eunuch and transgender reminded me of a conversation I had with my pastor a few years ago. This was the same pastor I never heard from again after he told me he “loved” me. But I digress.

At the time I was struggling to come to terms with the fact that I was transgendered. I had just recently begun to grow in acceptance of who I was, and met many lovely ladies at Tri-ESS. I was trying hard to reconcile the church’s teachings with what I knew in my heart, and what I read in the Bible.

In particular the story about the eunuch that Vicki mentioned. Some have argued that the eunuch may have been an early way of referring to the transgendered. At the very least the eunuch was neither fully man nor fully woman.

I mentioned this to my pastor, trying to understand what I saw as an inconsistency in the church’s teachings. How could eunuch’s play such an important role in the Bible, while the transgendered are vile sinners? His reply, with much conviction, was:

That is a eunuch, not a transgendered person

At the time I was confused, struggling, and perhaps overly emotional, so I accepted his response. Of course, eunuch’s are accepted by God, but not transgendered people. That makes sense, it’s in the Bible.

It took me until yesterday, almost six years later, before I realized how inane and narrow minded his reply really was. If you accept that eunuch’s and transgendered people have nothing to do with each other (a debate for another time), it still makes you wonder.

The church, with all their rules and regulations, all their defined gender roles so easily accept something (a eunuch) because it is mentioned in the Bible. Yet if you describe a eunuch today without using that word they recoil in revulsion. A man without the appropriate genitals. Someone not wholly a man or a woman. They must be an abomination to God.

The narrow mindedness of the church is laid bare in this contradiction. The acceptance of the concept of eunuchs, and the revulsion at the actuality of the same. Just as we sing so often about loving others, yet lose all mercy and compassion before we’ve even left the church parking lot.

John 15 1, 7-8: (Jesus said): I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinegrower.7. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask for whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit and become my disciples.”

(Vanessa had asked that I divide this inspiration into two pieces for ease of reading and thinking on. This is the continuation of the inspiration that started with the story of the Eunuch in Acts. To recap, both of these lessons, the story of the Eunuchin Acts, and the parable of the vine and the vinegrower were read in church on Mother’s Day and were the source for the entire Inspiration.-Vicki)

It seems appropriate then that the image of the vine that Jesus uses in the Gospel followed the lesson of this hungering soul, the eunuch of Acts. Jesus compares himself to a vine, and the Father to the vinegrower. He compares us to offshoots from that vine, and that those who bear fruit, are cared for, pruned and allowed to flourish under the Father’s care and constantly fed by the main vine which is Christ. We cannot live or exist in Christ apart from his sustenance. “Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, but apart from me you can do nothing.” I listened to the verse, understanding again the lesson that in Christ lays the answers we all look for and yet hearing these words as if for the first time and with new understanding. The minister in his sermon used many present day examples to drive the point home, and then asked this question, attempting to tie the two stories together. He allowed that angels, still work in this world, though we probably shouldn’t expect magnificent winged creatures blazing with light to guide us. But, he said, be attentive to the little things and then look inside to test it. He pointed more than once to an area on his torso, between the heart and stomach and peered at the congregation, how do we know it is the Spirit he asked, tapping that region on him self. He didn’t need to provide the answer, for we know where God resides. It is there in our heart that we find not only God abiding in us, but us abiding in God. The lesson was very clear, but my hungering Spirit wanted more.

When one goes out on a journey that might be on a path that would seem new; perhaps by the “experts” of our day to be…forbidden; one wants to be sure that their chosen path is correct. I want to believe that this ministry call I feel so strongly is true. I found myself as the Pastor tapped his heart wanting to shout out, how can we know and trust that “gut” feeling. I am a seeker filled with too many doubts at times, still wanting to believe that it doesn’t matter what I choose to wear, or who I find fulfillment in love with, or even that the body I was given does not match the person that I am. I want to believe that God is not judging us on that. Still the path I am on, the people I seek to reach out to and be reached back to by, are seen by so many as unworthy of God’s love and acceptance. I know many in this community struggle daily with this side of themselves and reject God, because they feel God has rejected them. So I wonder if I might just be wrong and that “they” are right. I formulate the words and want to ask, How can I be sure this is God and not my own selfishness, or my own agenda. It seems even as the words are hanging in the air, “those who abide in me” I am forgetting them. Even as the pastor taps his chest, I am questioning my own heart.

Yet, the words stay, the words hang until they can penetrate and take root. I let go of the doubt, look to Jesus, and allow myself to abide in Him, and the fruit begins to flourish. I give up my own agenda, I allow the vinegrower to prune as necessary, and wait for the fruit to appear. God is wise enough to know, if I saw the perils of the journey, I would likely just stay at home. If we knew what lay ahead, joys and sorrow, trials and triumphs, most of us would likely just decide it wasn’t worth it, and choose to live the way we are expected to. But He provides us with the assurance we need. The fruits of our labors would be proof enough. In these first weeks, I’ve found so many of you willing to share your thoughts back to me, to encourage me in small yet important ways. I hesitate to use the term, loaded in our present day world with such negative connotation for people like us. But there it is, you are my fruits, the assurance that Jesus abides in me, and that I am finally beginning to abide in Him. Maybe better to say, you all are my angels, visiting me and pointing me to new paths, all the while giving me that sense of peace that I am on the right path for me. I give thanks to you and I give thanks to God for you all dear readers, and will stay on this path, even though doubt assails me at times. I will strive to remember in Him, we have our strength and purpose and it is in Him only we need seek approval.

“I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:12-13

In the e-mail devotion I received today on this passage, the writer spoke of how summer had sped by, and the many projects she had planned were coming to naught. Boy could I relate. But she points us to remember that if we need to turn to God when the distractions get in the way of our everyday course of life, and even more so when the distractions crop up in our Christian walk. She points us to the cause of the distraction when she writes, “It seems there are many obstacles standing between us and a stronger faith. Satan has many tools to tear us from a closer walk with God.” I tend not to think too much about Satan being behind some of the little things that seem to get in the way on an almost daily basis, take this column for instance. But perhaps I need to.

We in the CD community should be constantly aware of Satan though. After all, we are constantly reminded, either to our face if we choose to live openly, or by the messages sent by society at large. Our urge to dress is nothing more than a temptation put before us by Satan as a part of his devious plan to keep God away from us, and us from God. It should be also noted this is also what our brothers and sisters in the Gay and Lesbian communities hear. It is what women and blacks heard in the past, it is what lepers and tax collectors heard in Jesus’ day. You are not one of us, you are not one of the Chosen, and God wants nothing to do with you because you are unclean, foreign, sub human. The truly sad part of this is most of us at some point in our lives have opted to believe that the “chosen” are correct in deciding who is fit for the kingdom and who is not.

One very common response is to hide that part of ourselves from others. We separate the gender ambiguous part of ourselves from church and ultimately God. The other common response is to reject a God who would deem us as unacceptable and to walk away from relationship with Him on any level. In either case, Satan has won. In the former sense it is certainly subtle, but by withholding part of ourselves, perhaps even convincing ourselves that we are hiding it from God, we prevent allowing that full relationship that God desires to have with us from coming to fruition. We never allow for the idea that perhaps it is the very gift that we hide is the gift God intends us to use the most. Where God is rejected outright, the party in hell begins, and while we may not even realize that is what has happened, Satan doesn’t care. One more soul prevented from realizing the relationship that God wants for all His creation, but that Satan was too jealous to share.

We tend always to think of distractions that loom up directly in our view, the roadblocks to our best laid plans. And we can usually strategize a mechanism for coping with the obvious. But it is the subtle distractions that tear us down; fear, self hatred, lack of confidence or lack of faith. It is an unwillingness to accept ourselves as a special creation of the Most High God. It happens to those outside our special little community, I suspect even amongst the “chosen” at times. The answer to this little, subtle distractions that Satan throws in our path, I think lie in the last verse of this passage from Philippians. “I can do all things through Him that strengthens me.” We must put our trust in a Loving, accepting, welcoming, and non-judgmental Christ, God Manifest. Then the distractions in the way of our relationship with God will melt away in the face of our strongest advocate to Him. Jesus Christ.

I pray that each of us, all God’s Children, no matter where we are on the journey, remember that when a distraction comes up, anything that will prevent us from experiencing a fuller and richer relationship with God, we look to our side, to see who walks with us. We give thanks to you God for the sacrifice in love poured out for us by your Son Jesus Christ.

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Vanessa here – thanks Vicki for you inspiration, and thank you to all the ladies who submitted a local transgender support group. The list of transgender support groups contains more than 100 local groups from ten countries! If you don’t see your group, or your favorite group there, please submit it!

Crossdresser Don't Need Permission

A few weeks ago I attended church with Vicki and her wonderful family as Vanessa. It was the first time I’d gone to church as Vanessa, which was quite an experience itself. As much as I’d been yearning to worship God as Vanessa it took a few reassurances that I wouldn’t cause problems at the church, or make life difficult for Vicki and her family before I went. Despite what you may be thinking so far, this week’s post isn’t about going out dressed, or religion. It’ll make sense in a moment…

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the different denominations of Christianity (or religion itself) the traditions can vary quite widely. From casual music and a sermon all the way to a formal service with many scripted sections. The service I attended was more formal than I’d been to since college – which is neither a bad thing or a good thing. It did, however, get me thinking about authority.

Crossdressers Are Under Authority

Pretty much since we’re born we’re under authority. We have people telling us what we can and can’t do. Our parents, our teachers, our pastors. We’re trained to ask for permission before doing something as simple as using the bathroom. And woe to you if someone else has been granted permission just before you – there’s only so many hall passes to go around you know.

This system creates compliant drones ready to join the workforce and wait for a boss to tell them what to do and to set boundaries on what they can’t. This may be a fine way to manage society (though I have contrary views that are beyond the scope of a transgender column), but it is a terrible way to manage your emotions.

You Don’t Need Permission To Love Yourself!

As crossdressers we’re especially susceptible to the judgments of society. We look around waiting for someone to give us permission to be who we are. Perhaps it’s an understanding wife who lets you wear feminine undergarments at home, or a social organization, or a book you read. Yet for most of us, even with permission to crossdress we still feel ashamed of crossdressing.

Why is that? Why, even without the damnation of those closest to us, and the nearest liberal church do we still find it difficult to love ourselves? I think we’re waiting for permission. We’re waiting for someone to tell us that it’s okay to love ourselves. Just as we are. With all our failings and flaws that concealer can’t hide.

Stop Waiting!

You Don’t Need Permission To Love Yourself!

Decide today that you’re going to love yourself for who you are. Maybe you’re a crossdresser struggling to accept your feminine desires. Maybe you’re the wife of a crossdresser wondering where you failed? Maybe you’re too fat, or too poor, or have too few friends. None of that matters. Love yourself.

If you won’t do it without permission, then I give you permission to love yourself. Say it aloud now, ‘Vanessa gives me permission to love myself. I love myself for who I am.’.

Really. Say it. Your computer will contract a horrible virus and explode if you don’t say it loud enough so that I can hear you.

‘I love myself for who I am’

Did you check that your microphone was on? I could bare hear a mumbling from the other end. All I have are these words (and the ability to make your computer explode), so just say it. Do it because you’re afraid of the mess your computer will make if you don’t, or because you just want to move on to the next article, or because you have enough faith in yourself to know that only good can come from this.

‘I love myself for who I am’

You might just find that when you love yourself the world seems a bit brighter, and you have more love to share with others. You are beautiful just as you are. Thank you for joining me this week.

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P.S. I don’t really have the ability to make your computer explode. However, if it  does explode I recommend you contact the manufacturer immediately and get your fabulous clothes far from harms way. Melted skirt is not a good look for you….

Merry Christmas from Crossdresser Heaven

Merry Christmas to all the readers of Crossdresser Heaven. May your Christmas be filled with the joy of special moments and the love of special people.

With blessings to you and those you hold dear.

-Vanessa

Vicki has written some of her thoughts this Christmas, which I’d like to share with you as you celebrate the festive season.

Crossdressing, Christmas Time and God’s Love

Wow, what a year this has been. One year ago today, just home from work, snowbound on Christmas Eve, I chanced upon this wonderful little site called Crossdresser Heaven. It was just what I’d been looking for, a place to talk about Crossdressing, but also a place where one could find some good Christian support for this little hobby, or maybe better to say, lifestyle of ours. It may have been percolating in my mind a bit, but I still hadn’t figured out a way to get the thoughts and ideas I had about my feminine side and it’s relation to my spiritual side out and onto paper, though I knew I had to somehow. Finally a place to discuss it and perhaps rummage around in my “closet”, and a few other closets as well to figure out how it all fit together.

Little did I know that I’d be contributing, much less did I know that before the year has elapsed I’d be taking my first steps in the real world with our lovely and talented hostess Vanessa.

We are asked at this time of year though to step back a moment, and focus on the reason for Christmas. Trust me it sometimes is hard to find much of anything in Scripture about crossdressing, and in the one place it is mentioned it is regarded as an abomination in God’s eyes. Not much hope to go on there is it? But that tends to categorize us as somehow different, and though in society’s eyes we are, the story of the birth of Christ tells us that we are all a part of God’s fallen world, sinful, screwed up, dead in some ways to hope and promise. In God’s eyes there is no differentiation. God looks on the world and sees a place that needs His Saving Grace.

I have many favorite parts of the Christmas story, I love to sit in a hushed church on Christmas Eve and be reminded of the way Christ came into our world to be God among us, Immanuel. There is a special silence that seems to fall on this night that is different than any other. It may simply be that when I leave church, nothing is open and the rest of the world is inside. Not everyone of course, for there are still those that are homeless, in search of a place to lay their heads. And there it is, that part of the tale that connects us intimately with God, or rather connects God intimately with us. For on the night of His birth he too was “homeless”, weary from a long journey, showing up perhaps after everything was closed, they had no place to rest, no place for Mary to give birth but the stable. If God, King of Kings had wanted to establish His special place of birth, to place Himself above us in His Kingdom, he could have done much better. But He didn’t, He chose to be born into a place of squalor, with animals as His bedmates, in a hidden dark corner of a tiny village in the Middle East. He came in humble birth to announce that He is with us to live our experience, not to preach about how we should change who we are, but to say I love you and accept you because I’ve been there, and all I want is for you to love and be loved, by Me, but to also love each other as I have loved you first.

From that birth story we take this message, that God truly is Immanuel, God among us. He has been in the dark corner we have all been in, He has and still to this day experiences our pains as well as our joys. Having been exactly where each of us has been, His only response is to love us. How can He not, for to do so would be to not love Himself.

Peace to all on this Christmas 2009. May you all be Blessed and come to accept the Love God pours out to us all.

Vicki.